“Dude, God isn’t like that.”

So you had the god of Abraham, and no one’s going to argue that he was a pretty angry dude. 1800 years later, Jesus came in and he was all “No dude, god isn’t like that. Sit down among the rocks and grasses there. Lemme tell
you about the god I know.”

He spawned a religion that was founded on the beatitudes–these kind of “Jesus Commandments,” if you will. They’re a really nice set of rules, and they’re so oddly in tune with the contemporary writings 4000 miles east of Judea. Anyway, in the early days (first 300 years C.E.) people loved beating on the Christians. In order to survive, the Church does the old salesman split and covers a lot of ground setting up franchises. Constantine solidifies the power base with the Late Roman/Byzantine Empire a little later, and bingo bango–you’ve got yourself the first corporate religion.

1200 more years go by, and the corporation has seen some dark times. The teachings of Christ (Oh, you know, the dude they claim to worship) were exchanged over the last 200 years for customs like sin absolution in exchange for a little of the bling-bling.

Pissed off man named Luther (grandfather of the passive/aggressive sticky note move) tacks the Ninety-Five Thesis to a church door and basically says–1500 years after Jesus said it–“No dude, God TOTALLY isn’t like that.” He basically creates the protestant movement, which, of course, comes overseas to the colonies.

Colonies are super dark and scary, and here’s where the love and grace of Christ goes toward things like burning witches. Eventually we learn that disease and paranoia come from shit like LIVING IN THE WILDERNESS and eating Ergot-infected hallucinogenic grains, and we stop doing shit like publicly and legally burning and drowning 20-year-old women.

Anywho, Protestants go to the Midwest and spend about a century and a half out there. It splits into a thousand little fractions and with personalities on the spectrum from “Kind-hearted Samaritan folk that would never judge a man,” to “Book-carrying testament-quoting hell-threatening folk.”

Here’s the thing. If you’re going to subscribe to a religion, do yourself a favor and remember what Jesus AND Luther both said about God at a time when GOD was being used to promote hate and inequality.

“Listen up! God isn’t like that.”

When you follow a religion, you follow a path, not a prophet. Stop worshiping the prophets’ names. When you do that, you spit on their ideas. Aren’t their ideas what drew you to the path to begin with?

Isn’t that why you’re religious? You were “drawn to the path,” right? I certainly hope they didn’t dunk your baby head in a pool and expect you to just “get” God from there.